Every March, college basketball fans across the country start looking at brackets for the NCAA basketball tournament and try to select which team will come out on top. As you can see, even our President gets in on the action. It’s a wonderful competition, where the options are “survive and advance” or “lose and go home”.
Accordingly, the Secret Service has decided to take part in this annual event by having their own friendly intramural competition to see which agent (or team of agents) can commit the dumbest, most outrageous stunt that brings shame on the Secret Service. We’ll be breaking down the top seeds here:
Team Hookers and Blow: The first entry came in strong. They are the Secret Service agents who were partying with whores in Colombia. They showed good teamwork in organizing the party, demonstrated lack of foresight with possibly compromising classified information, and have strong lack of character. They were looking good.
Team No Defense: That is, Team Hookers and Blow were looking good until the entry from Team No Defense came in – allowing a guy to jump the fence at the White House and score an easy layup in the East Room. You really have to give this top-seed consideration, here. Not only did this team display lack of home court advantage, their perimeter defense was penetrated on a dribble-drive to the East Room, where the big men down low just watched the guy go right by them. There are some questions about their inability to have character problems, but they make up for it with their lack of professionalism. These guys looked like the top seed until this week.
How do you top the entry that allowed a security breach at the White House? Well, obviously, you try to breach security yourself, rather than letting someone else do all the work. I mean, if you’re gonna do something egregiously stupid, you’ve got to do it yourself.
Team Alcohol Fueled Car Crash: Just this week, with a late entry into the tournament, two secret service agents decided that instead of simply allowing some one else to breach security, they got drunk and crashed their car into one of the barricades at the White House. If you’re gonna have someone breach security, you might as well do it yourself, right? They get points for having an up-tempo offense, involving drinking and driving, and using their siren/lights as they came down to the White House barricade. Their teammates demonstrated wonderful unity in letting the drunk officers go without any questions, so we’ve got a strong spirit of corruption here.
How is your bracket looking?